Software Engineer and his wife…(FUNNY)


Husband – hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife – would you like to have some snacks?
Husband – hard disk full.

Wife – have you brought the sari.
Husband – Bad command or file name.

Wife – but I told you about it in morning
Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife – hae bhagwan (Oh God) !  forget it where’s your salary.
Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife – at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband – sharing violation, access denied.

Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless.
Husband – by default.

Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband – system unstable press Ctrl, Alt, Del to Reboot.

Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband – the only user with write permission.

Wife – what is my value in your life?
Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer?
Husband – Too many parameters…

Wife – I will go to my dad’s house.
Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife – I will leave you forever.
Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife – it is worthless talking to you.
Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going.
Husband – It’s now safe to turn off your computer.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

A TRUE STORY


A jobless man applied for the position of “Office Boy” at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then a test:

Clean the floor. “You are engaged” he said, give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start.

The man replied “I don’t have a computer, neither an email”.

 I’m sorry, said the HR manager, if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist.
And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go every day earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chooses a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, “I don’t have an email “. The broker answered curiously,” you don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!”

The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I’d have been an office boy at Microsoft!”

MORALS OF THE STORY:
M1- Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2- If you don’t have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3- If you received this message by blog, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire… Have a great day,
 
P.S : Pardon if not replying, I am going to sell tomatoes!!!

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

QUTAB MINAR….. JOKE


A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.

“Twenty years”, replied the guide.

You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five…

At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to build.

“Only ten years”, said the guide.

The tourist retorted: .You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half…

In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied:

“I don’t know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening…”

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

THE LESS U KNOW…..


“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.”

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

Are you ENGINEER, Don’t think like this.


Engineer… An Electrical engineer, a Chemical engineer, and a Software engineer are riding in a car when the car stalls by the side of the road. The electrical engineer says “Let’s strip down the wiring and try to trace where the fault might have occurred.” The chemical engineer says ” Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system.” The software engineer says “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows, then try it again.”

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE :


Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn’t even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you’re on.

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don’t cry because it’s over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors….but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Working for God on earth does not pay much,
but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

CONTRADICTORY WORDS


1 Clearly misunderstood

2 Exact estimate

3 Small crowd

4 Act naturally

5 Found missing

6 Fully empty

 SEVENTH ONE is the Universal Truth…..

7 Happily Married

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

SPEEDING…..


A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”  

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Um, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

MUST READ FOR SALES GUYS


Boss to Sales Executive: Get 5 lacs business by today evening anyhow.

Sales Executive: That’s Impossible Sir!

Boss: What Impossible? Impossible word itself says I’m possible.

In Evening…,

Executive: Boss, I got 10 lacs business.

Boss: Great! How come this miracle happened?

Executive: I cheated the client.

Boss: That’s Immoral.

Executive: What Immoral? Immoral word itself says I’m moral.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

BOSS KIDNAPPED……..


Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time….. Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss” They’re asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. We’re going from desk to desk, taking up a collection.

One Trainee asks, “How much is everyone giving, on average?”

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

“About 1 litre.”
Smiled.! 🙂

Keep Smiling

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

PAKISTANI VS INDIAN


Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

Telecommunication 1000 Years ago.


After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones & wireless communications.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

QUESTION PAPER OF NEW TYPE


Once four MBA students were partying till late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test. The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days. They said they were ready.

On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days. The test consisted of two questions with total marks of 100.

Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst? (98 marks)

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

INTELLIGENCE


Musharraf comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee.

After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf:
 
“Well Parvez, I don’t know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.”
 
“How do you know?” asks Musharraf
  
“Oh well, it’s simple, says Atal. “They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second”. He calls Advani over and asks him “Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
 
 “Ah, that’s simple”,says Advani, “it is me!”
 
 “Well done Advani”, says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favorite member of cabinet and asks:
 
 
“Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
   
He thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? “. “
 
Of course, says Musharraf, “You’ve got 24 hours.”
 
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the Answer. Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf’s cabinet is very Worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself:
 
“I’ll ask Bill Clinton, he’s clever, he’ll know the answer.” He calls Clinton.”Mr. President”, he says, “Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
 
 “Very simple”, says  Clinton , “It’s me!”
 
 “Wonderful!” says the Cabinet member and hangs up.

Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Musharraf. “Sir, I’ve got the answer!”
 
“What is it?”
  
“It’s Bill Clinton”.
 
“No, you idiot”, says Musharraf, “It’s Advani

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

Some Important Laws Which NEWTON Forgot to State


LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP : Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI : If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM : When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS : The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT : When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE : People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE : As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP.!!!!!


HR = HIGH RISK
—————————————————————————–

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing anything about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and sometimes 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday)?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these years! 

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

***TERRIFIC TONGUE TWISTERS TO TWIST YOUR TONGUE***


1. If you understand, say “understand”. If you don’t understand, say “don’t
understand”. But if you understand and say “don’t understand”. How do I
understand that you understand? Understand!

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the
witch wishes, I won’t wish the wish you wish to wish.

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was
sea, sea, sea.

5. If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which
watch?

6. I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I
thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn’t have thought so much.

7. Once a fellow met a fellow in a field of beans. Said a fellow to a
fellow, “If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow
means?”

8. Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said “NO”, and told Mr Outside to come outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

9. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES.

10. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside
outside his inside inn.

11. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the
doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

“When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor’s the doctor. Does the doctor
doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor
doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor’s way”

12. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine,
Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We’ll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

13. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

14. A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly “Oh what should we do” Said the
flea” Let us fly Said the fly “Let us flee” So they flew through a flaw in
the flue

15. If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as
tongue-twister twists tongues.

16. Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See’s saw Before See sawed Soar’s seesaw; See’s saw would not have sawed Soar’s seesaw. So See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

BLAME IT ON NOBODY


This is a story of FOUR people called

Everybody,

Somebody,

Anybody

and

Nobody.

There was some important work that had to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry because of this, since it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody understood that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended with Everybody blaming Somebody as Nobody did what Anybody could have done.


Oooops………….Got it?

If You Did n’t understand then blame it on Nobody.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

The most unfortunate Alcohol Accidents of all times…..Really Sad!!!!!


Most of us have heard a sad story about an accident involving alcohol. In my life I have never encountered an alcohol related accident as graphic and devastating as this one.
 
Just looking at the picture brings tears to my eyes 

Scroll Down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MARVELLOUS ANSWER!!!


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doctor, can I ask you a question?’

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

“So Doctor, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, grind & fix them, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.

So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…..

“Try to do it when the engine is running!”.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

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