VACUUM CLEANER

A new Vacuum Cleaner Salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings (Dung) onto the carpet.

“Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this!” exclaimed the eager salesman.

“Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that” asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, “Why, madam?”

“There’s no ELECTRICITY in the house…” said the lady

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

SOFTWARE PROFESSIONAL IN HELL

One Politician, One Thief & One Programmer died & went straight to Hell.

Politician said “I miss my country. I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there.” She called and talked for about 5 minutes, and then she asked “Well, devil how much I need to pay for the call?

The devil says “Five million dollars”.

The Politician wrote him a Cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
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Thief was so jealous!, he starts screaming, “My turn! I want to call to my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too”

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked “Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call?”

The devil says “Ten million dollars”.

With a smug look on his face, he made a Cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
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Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, “I want to call my IT friends too”,

He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various Technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked “Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call?”

The devil says “No Need to pay”.

Programmer is stunned & says “Why ??”

Devil says

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“Calling hell to hell is Free!!! “

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~~BEGGAR CAN BE CHOOSERS~~

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10/- and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50/-.

” Well,” the beggar thinks, ” it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5/-.

” What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. ” First you give me Rs. 10/- every day, then Rs. 7.50/- and now only Rs. 5/-. What’s the problem?”

” Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to University. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to University, so I had to cut my expenses even further .”

” And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense”.

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RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB (!)

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some
particular order in a closed
room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
after 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.

If they are counting the
bricks.
Put them in the accounts
department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the
whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks
into pieces.
Put them in Information
Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried
different combinations, yet
not a brick has
been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for
the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the
window.
Put them on strategic
planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
other and not a single brick
has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them
in top management.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

Conversation between BILL GATES and LALOO of Bihar!!!

Gates: Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo: Oh yes! most Govt. Offices we have the single Window clearance concept.

Gates: At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.

Gates(Confused) : Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.

Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.

Gates : By the year 2010 India should export Computer Chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.

Gates(Feeling very Uneasy) : do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.

Gates(Heavily Sweating) : The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..

Gates(Feeling Dizzy) : I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave.

Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.

Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). “Windows is restarting. Please wait………….”

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INDIANS TO THE MOON

Manmohan Singh to Bush – “We are sending Indians to the Moon next year.”

Bush – “Wow! How Many?”

Manmohan Singh – “100“

25 – OBC

25 – SC

20 – ST

5 – Handicapped

5 – Sports Persons

5 – Terrorism Affected

5 – Government Officials

9 – Politicians

and if possible…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

1 –ASTRONAUT

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ENGINEER & MANAGER

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

They’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole
thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures  it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

“Isn’t that just like an engineer? We’re looking for height and he gives
the length!”

MORAL :

No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

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FUNNY->->

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large
Building.

The Second man is puffing away, one cigarette after
Another.

The nonsmoker says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how
you chain-smoke.

How many packs do you smoke a day?”

“Four.”

“How long have you been smoking?”

“Thirty years.”

“That’s over forty thousand packs. Why, if you didn’t
Smoke, you could Have saved enough money to buy this building.”

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”

“Never.”

“Do you own this building?”

“No.”

 

“Well, I do.”

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

@@@INTEL INSIDE@@@

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant’s face appears.

He asks her, “Mary, what time is it?” Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!! He asks, “What kind of a watch is that?”

“It’s like a TV with two-way real-time communication,” the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel’s brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
 
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, “Sir, you forgot your suitcases.”

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, “No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in