MATURE LADY DRIVER – BRILLIANT

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding….

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.

Traffic Cop: Don’t have one?

Older Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner..

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem Sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please..

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, Ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying idiot told you I was speeding, too.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

9 FACTS STILL HIDDEN FROM US…..

  1) 90% of people in Australia don’t drink milk.

 

2) Snake’s vision is up to 5 km…..

   

3) A man can touch sun if his body is completely surrounded by mercury.

   

4) No twins have been born up till now in Greenland.

 

5) Zebra doesn’t have a liver.

 

6) All the above details are false.

  

7) Thanks for believing for a while.

 

 Today is not April 1st.

 

 9)But a fool is a fool on any day.

 

 Courtesy : funonthenet.in

SHORT STORY WITH A GREAT MORAL.

One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning.

 

There was not enough sunlight to get into the sea.

 

He saw a pack of stones to pass time.

 

He started throwing the stone into the sea.

 

While having the last stone in the hand,

 

The Sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond.

 

He felt for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea…

 

Moral of the story:

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Do not get up early in the morning…

This story is dedicated to all who get up early in the morning…..

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HOW TO BILL OTHERS ?????

A Doctor and a Lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

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A SERIOUS COMPUTER PROBLEM.

“Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Word Perfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type!”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

“Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

3 NICE LITTLE THINGS

CONFIDENCE

Once all village people decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all
People gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella that’s confidence………..

TRUST

Trust should be like the feeling of a one year old baby
When you throw him in the air, he laughs……
Because he knows you will catch him……..

HOPE

A human being can live for
40 days without water
8 minutes without air
But not even 1 second without hope….

SO ALWAYS HAVE CONFIDENCE, TRUST OTHERS AND NEVER LOOSE HOPE

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THE PRIEST vs. THE ASTRONOMER

A Priest and an Astronomer find themselves sitting together on a night flight.

After introductions and a long gaze out the window, the Astronomer asks the Priest, “Can’t all religions be summed up by stating the Golden Rule?”

The Priest pauses a bit and asks the Astronomer, “Can’t all astronomy be summed up by singing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’?”

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Fries, A Coke, And An Ostrich…..

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad, says the man.

‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man..

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..’

Picture Courtesy : funonthenet.in

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

You have to laugh.. (thinking?)

A Lady Manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day
and told him to come into her office.

” What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.

“John ,” the new guy replied.

She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name.It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ….. Smith, Jones, Baker ….. that’s all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,

What is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling…. . …….

My name is John Darling.”

” Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . ”

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WAKE UP CALL !!!!!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by thebed. The paper said,

“It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Courtesy : funonthenet.in