MATURE LADY DRIVER – BRILLIANT

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding….

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.

Traffic Cop: Don’t have one?

Older Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner..

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem Sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please..

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, Ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying idiot told you I was speeding, too.

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9 FACTS STILL HIDDEN FROM US…..

  1) 90% of people in Australia don’t drink milk.

 

2) Snake’s vision is up to 5 km…..

   

3) A man can touch sun if his body is completely surrounded by mercury.

   

4) No twins have been born up till now in Greenland.

 

5) Zebra doesn’t have a liver.

 

6) All the above details are false.

  

7) Thanks for believing for a while.

 

 Today is not April 1st.

 

 9)But a fool is a fool on any day.

 

 Courtesy : funonthenet.in

SHORT STORY WITH A GREAT MORAL.

One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning.

 

There was not enough sunlight to get into the sea.

 

He saw a pack of stones to pass time.

 

He started throwing the stone into the sea.

 

While having the last stone in the hand,

 

The Sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond.

 

He felt for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea…

 

Moral of the story:

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Do not get up early in the morning…

This story is dedicated to all who get up early in the morning…..

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HOW TO BILL OTHERS ?????

A Doctor and a Lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

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A SERIOUS COMPUTER PROBLEM.

“Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Word Perfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type!”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

“Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

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3 NICE LITTLE THINGS

CONFIDENCE

Once all village people decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all
People gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella that’s confidence………..

TRUST

Trust should be like the feeling of a one year old baby
When you throw him in the air, he laughs……
Because he knows you will catch him……..

HOPE

A human being can live for
40 days without water
8 minutes without air
But not even 1 second without hope….

SO ALWAYS HAVE CONFIDENCE, TRUST OTHERS AND NEVER LOOSE HOPE

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THE PRIEST vs. THE ASTRONOMER

A Priest and an Astronomer find themselves sitting together on a night flight.

After introductions and a long gaze out the window, the Astronomer asks the Priest, “Can’t all religions be summed up by stating the Golden Rule?”

The Priest pauses a bit and asks the Astronomer, “Can’t all astronomy be summed up by singing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’?”

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Fries, A Coke, And An Ostrich…..

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’

‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’

The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad, says the man.

‘Same,’ says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man..

The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’

The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..’

Picture Courtesy : funonthenet.in

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

You have to laugh.. (thinking?)

A Lady Manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day
and told him to come into her office.

” What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.

“John ,” the new guy replied.

She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name.It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ….. Smith, Jones, Baker ….. that’s all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,

What is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling…. . …….

My name is John Darling.”

” Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . ”

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WAKE UP CALL !!!!!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by thebed. The paper said,

“It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

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VACUUM CLEANER

A new Vacuum Cleaner Salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings (Dung) onto the carpet.

“Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this!” exclaimed the eager salesman.

“Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that” asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, “Why, madam?”

“There’s no ELECTRICITY in the house…” said the lady

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SOFTWARE PROFESSIONAL IN HELL

One Politician, One Thief & One Programmer died & went straight to Hell.

Politician said “I miss my country. I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there.” She called and talked for about 5 minutes, and then she asked “Well, devil how much I need to pay for the call?

The devil says “Five million dollars”.

The Politician wrote him a Cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
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Thief was so jealous!, he starts screaming, “My turn! I want to call to my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too”

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked “Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call?”

The devil says “Ten million dollars”.

With a smug look on his face, he made a Cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
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Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, “I want to call my IT friends too”,

He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various Technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked “Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call?”

The devil says “No Need to pay”.

Programmer is stunned & says “Why ??”

Devil says

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scroll down

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“Calling hell to hell is Free!!! “

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~~BEGGAR CAN BE CHOOSERS~~

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10/- and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50/-.

” Well,” the beggar thinks, ” it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5/-.

” What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. ” First you give me Rs. 10/- every day, then Rs. 7.50/- and now only Rs. 5/-. What’s the problem?”

” Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to University. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to University, so I had to cut my expenses even further .”

” And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense”.

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RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB (!)

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some
particular order in a closed
room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
after 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.

If they are counting the
bricks.
Put them in the accounts
department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the
whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks
into pieces.
Put them in Information
Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried
different combinations, yet
not a brick has
been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for
the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the
window.
Put them on strategic
planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
other and not a single brick
has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them
in top management.

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Conversation between BILL GATES and LALOO of Bihar!!!

Gates: Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo: Oh yes! most Govt. Offices we have the single Window clearance concept.

Gates: At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.

Gates(Confused) : Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.

Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.

Gates : By the year 2010 India should export Computer Chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.

Gates(Feeling very Uneasy) : do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.

Gates(Heavily Sweating) : The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..

Gates(Feeling Dizzy) : I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave.

Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.

Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). “Windows is restarting. Please wait………….”

Courtesy : funonthenet.in

INDIANS TO THE MOON

Manmohan Singh to Bush – “We are sending Indians to the Moon next year.”

Bush – “Wow! How Many?”

Manmohan Singh – “100“

25 – OBC

25 – SC

20 – ST

5 – Handicapped

5 – Sports Persons

5 – Terrorism Affected

5 – Government Officials

9 – Politicians

and if possible…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

1 –ASTRONAUT

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ENGINEER & MANAGER

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

They’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole
thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures  it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.

“Isn’t that just like an engineer? We’re looking for height and he gives
the length!”

MORAL :

No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

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FUNNY->->

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large
Building.

The Second man is puffing away, one cigarette after
Another.

The nonsmoker says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how
you chain-smoke.

How many packs do you smoke a day?”

“Four.”

“How long have you been smoking?”

“Thirty years.”

“That’s over forty thousand packs. Why, if you didn’t
Smoke, you could Have saved enough money to buy this building.”

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”

“Never.”

“Do you own this building?”

“No.”

 

“Well, I do.”

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@@@INTEL INSIDE@@@

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant’s face appears.

He asks her, “Mary, what time is it?” Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!! He asks, “What kind of a watch is that?”

“It’s like a TV with two-way real-time communication,” the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel’s brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
 
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, “Sir, you forgot your suitcases.”

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, “No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch.

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Software Engineer and his wife…(FUNNY)

Husband – hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife – would you like to have some snacks?
Husband – hard disk full.

Wife – have you brought the sari.
Husband – Bad command or file name.

Wife – but I told you about it in morning
Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife – hae bhagwan (Oh God) !  forget it where’s your salary.
Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife – at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband – sharing violation, access denied.

Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless.
Husband – by default.

Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband – system unstable press Ctrl, Alt, Del to Reboot.

Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband – the only user with write permission.

Wife – what is my value in your life?
Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer?
Husband – Too many parameters…

Wife – I will go to my dad’s house.
Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife – I will leave you forever.
Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife – it is worthless talking to you.
Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going.
Husband – It’s now safe to turn off your computer.

Courtesy : funonthenet.in